Chapter 14
Waking up in the arms of the man she loved for the second day in a row amazed Evey. It still seemed like a dream and she had to pinch herself to make sure she was really awake.
The heart beating under her ear was steady, the chest rising and falling, gently rocking her, had the easy rhythm of sleep. The torso she leaned against was warm and solid inviting her to snuggle closer. When she did a large, strong hand slipped from her shoulder to her waist as he unconsciously pulled her in tighter.
It was the bliss of heaven to be cradled against V.
He loves me, she thought. He really, truly loves me.
A sense of confidence came over her and she draped a leg over V’s pressing her pelvis against his hip. She had done it yesterday too and the results had not been quite what she wanted but it was worth trying again.
Again it worked, but not as she intended.
Simultaneously V’s breathing changed and her back hit the wall on the far side of the bed. The impact was enough to knock the wind out of her. She slumped to the floor choking as she went down.
“Oh God, Evey. Are you alright?” V crouched beside her clutching her shoulders lifting her to her feet.
She could not gather the air to speak.
“I am terribly sorry, love. Please forgive me.” He was holding her up patting her back.
“It’s…it’s okay, V.” She choked out as her breath began to return. “Really, I’m fine.”
He released her and sat heavily on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.
Evey sat beside him, shaken and a little frightened. He was immensely strong even with bullet wounds, bruises and blood loss. He was also faster than any human had the right to be. She wondered vaguely how he became as he was but looking at him, the living picture of self disgust, she let go of her questions and told him sincerely, “I forgive you. It’s okay. My fault really…”
His head snapped up and she knew the eyes behind the mask were glaring at her. “No. Don’t ever say that. Don’t ever take responsibility for a failing of mine. You do neither of us a favor by doing so.”
Fear pricked at her for a moment, but then his gaze returned to the floor. “I couldn’t stop in time. It is my fault.”
She put a hand on his back and felt his skin crawl under her fingers, but he did not move away.
V had a hard time with physical intimacy. She had noticed it about him back in the early days. It had not improved with time. Touches had grown in frequency and there were times when he forgot it bothered him, but the fact he did not like to be touched remained.
Was it stupid of her to think after love was declared whatever barriers he erected to keep his distance would crumble and he would finally let her in? Apparently so.
Twenty years of solitude was bound to have an effect, but she could not understand why he was avoiding her instead of trying his damnedest to have a thorough shagging.
“V?” Her hand stroked defiant circles on the middle of his back.
His head came up and he reached for her free hand taking hold of it. All Evey noticed was how he held it on the bed between them when it would have been just as easy to draw her hand to his thigh causing her to lean against him thus instigating the next inevitable step. Didn’t he want her?
Taking charge, Evey pulled their clasped hands onto her leg and leaned against him resting her head on his arm. “Have I told you I love you yet?”
V swallowed hard, but did not retreat from her. There was a smile in his voice when he replied, “Not today, love.”
“Do you love me, too?”
V had started to caress the back of her hand with his gloved thumb but he stopped and there was an edge to his voice when he said, “You know I do.”
“Just making sure.”
He turned to face her, holding her hand tightly. “You doubt me?”
“I’ve never doubted you.” She sighed, feeling the weight of her white lie as if it were an elephant sitting on her chest. She gingerly touched his bandaged side changing the subject as she did so. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. I mend quickly.” He replied letting his gaze drift away from her again. “Are you alright, my dear?”
“Yeah. More shocked than anything. I’m fine.” Evey withdrew her hand from his side and pushed on his shoulder wanting him to lie back down and hold her again. Wanting to start the day over the way she dreamed about, she put a hint of suggestion in her voice. “Another day or two in bed and you should be right as rain then, huh?”
He didn’t pick up on it. “There is no need…”
She pushed his shoulder harder, needing him to understand without having to be direct. “I think a day in bed is exactly what the doctor ordered.”
He chuckled, “Then I would rather die than stay in bed.”
Anger flared at his rejection and Evey snarled, “Hate doctors or the idea of being in bed with me?”
“Oh.” Popped out of his mouth as the light dawned and he relented, falling back into bed. His wig splayed out on the pillow, the mask grinning, hiding what she really wanted to see. As if he knew the limited access she had to his emotional state, his voice was infused with love as she relied, “No man in his right mind could resist a day in bed with you, Evey.”
Maybe so, but you aren’t in your right mind, are you, she thought as she scooted up to the head of the bed and curled up next to him but without touching him. If he wanted to hold her, he would have to make it happen.
For a long time they lay side by side, not touching, not speaking. It grew more and more uncomfortable as time dragged on. She wondered what he was thinking lying so still beside her. It felt like forever to Evey as she fought the desire to roll onto her side and close the gap between them. She wanted to touch him, kiss him, make love to him. Why didn’t he want that too?
A beeping noise startled her out of her thoughts.
It startled V too, who sat up quickly and began to follow the sound as if it were the detonator for one of his bombs. Evey wondered if it was.
“Found it.” V declared, picking up a small piece of titanium Evey recognized as the mobile phone Finch had gotten for her.
It was a military issue, state of the art, secure mobile. She remembered the look on Finch’s face when he was relating the features of the device to her. He had not forgotten the Shadow Gallery and he had clearly chosen the phone for its underground capabilities.
“Thanks,” Evey said as she took the phone and left V’s room feeling grateful for the distraction from budding insecurities.
~~~~~
I have so much to be happy about, Evey thought, why am I so damned miserable?
V was in love with her, at least he said he was. Norsefire was teetering on the brink of collapse. Her goals were almost in reach and she should have been overjoyed but instead she felt pensive and insecure.
The Gallery was not conducive to work with the revolution. She could not come and go easily and her mobile only worked well on the roof terrace. Additionally, she did not want to leave V alone. The resemblance of his current mood to the one which lead him to his rubber room was not lost on Evey. More than anything she feared the return of the pattern he had obsessed over.
What had begun with promise had wilted back to the uncertainty of the early days. She had been banished to her bedroom since the morning of the accident. She had tried repeatedly to talk through it, but V refused in his usual infuriatingly polite way.
If they were going to have any kind of future they had to work it out. The old Evey would have given up already. The version V had created was made of stronger stuff.
When she went looking for him he was seated on the couch. There were papers scattered around him on the floor and coffee table. Panic rose in Evey’s chest and the pattern loomed large in her imagination.
On a normal day he would have heard her approaching and would acknowledge her before she set foot in the room. This time V seemed not to notice which only confirmed her fears.
Several steps back from him she discovered he had several books out and was making notes. Relieved to discover he was not obsessing over the pattern she stepped closer and asked, “What are you reading?”
He did not answer.
“Should I be worried, V?” She asked.
When he did not turn she cleared her throat and tapped him on the shoulder.
He started and reflexively gathered up the papers on the couch beside him as if trying to hide them. “Sorry, I became lost in the story. What were you saying?”
Evey leaned over him, her chest close to his shoulder the radiant heat of his body making her heart leap. If only he would…she stopped the thought before it concluded knowing he would not respond the way she wanted him to. Hoping to hide her disappointment, she tried to cover with a joke, “What are all the notes for? Complicated passage is it?”
He did not immediately respond but continued to gather his notes off the floor and to cover the small pile of books next to him. He almost succeeded in hiding from her but she saw the spine of the top book in his pile. It said Pride and Prejudice.
In an instant Evey knew what he was doing. She had once commented on how Mister Darcy was every girl’s fantasy. She had told him about a number of fictional men she fancied. She would have bet a year’s wages the other books hidden in his pile of notes contained every man she had ever expressed an interest in.
“It would appear so.” V said as he carefully laid a pad of blank paper over his pile of research materials.
Thrilled to have evidence he was trying, Evey prodded, “What were you thinking about?”
“You.”
Deciding to push her luck Evey curled into the couch beside him, her arm touching his. When he did not flinch away, she laid her head on his shoulder. She could tell he was uncomfortable but chose to ignore it. “Oh yeah? What about me?”
He put a hand on her thigh, but then lifted it so fast it felt more like a slap than an attempt at affection. He sighed and sounded crushed when he spoke. “That I owe you more than I can give you.”
Here we go again, she thought. She toed the pile of papers sitting on the coffee table revealing another title. Jane Ayre. It was as she suspected. He was pushing her away while at the same time studying up on how to keep her. Confused by the ambivalence of his actions, she blurted, “Do you want me to leave, V?”
“No.” He replied quickly. There was another pause and then he continued in a softer voice. “I cannot imagine life without you, but I want you to be happy. I fear there will only be heartbreak here for you.”
“So you would spare me eventual pain by making me miserable now?”
The mask swung around and faced her. “You are miserable?”
Tread lightly girl. He lives in a world of words. Say what you mean and mean what you say, she reminded herself before answering, “I’m confused. Why can’t I be near you anymore? Why are you avoiding me?”
“Why are you always on the phone?” He snapped.
“Are you serious?” Evey asked. He’s jealous of the phone?
“I mean only that you seem to be avoiding me too, love.”
It was more than she could take and she wasn’t sure whether to laugh or hit him. “I’m hard at work on your damn revolution, V. Since you don’t want to do it anymore I have to. Remember, dead man?”
“I’m sorry to have burdened you.”
She had meant it more as a joke than an accusation but he failed to see the humor. Suddenly, it wasn’t funny for her either. “God damn it, V. I don’t want an apology.”
“What do you want?”
“I want to know what the hell is going on here. I want to know why you’re avoiding me and why you won’t touch me. I want to know why you won’t tell me anything about yourself. I want to know why the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with won’t even tell me when his fucking birthday is.”
“Your language is unbecoming of a lady.” V scolded sounding like her father.
Manipulative bastard, she thought knowing he conjured images of her father on purpose. “Don’t you dare change the subject. What is so horrible about me you cannot stand my touch? Do I smell or something?”
“I rather enjoy your scent…” He chuckled.
“You know what I want?” She asked, cutting short his giggles while grabbing one of his nervous hands. It immediately went dead.
His gaze followed his hand from his lap to hers. “Clearly not.”
She twined her fingers through his and squeezed. “I want you to show me you like my perfume. You used to if you recall. I knew what you were doing when you would pretend to be brushing dust off my shoulder. Don’t think for a second you are so smooth I didn’t see right through you.”
He said nothing but pulled his hand away and stood up, moving to the center of the room.
From a distance the mask blazed holes into her and against her will she found herself squirming. Finally he said, “Perhaps you wish for things I cannot deliver.”
“You used to deliver. What changed, V? Why can’t I have the things I had before when I was just your prisoner?”
Another long silence passed during which Evey began to feel bad. He was a very sensitive man and her barb had clearly struck a nerve.
“I don’t want to hurt you.” He said softly.
Exasperated Evey replied, “This hurts me, V”
“Then I fail on all fronts.” He said and strode rapidly away toward his rooms. The sound of the lock clicking closed reduced Evey to tears.
~~~~
Another day was spent in silence and solitude. V never emerged from his rooms and Evey spent her time purposefully distracting herself with the phone. Once there was no one left to talk to she fell to fitful sleep in the banishment of her own bed. By morning she was tired, cranky and afraid she had irreversibly ruined things with V.
As was her new habit she checked her messages as soon as she woke discovering no one wanted anything which could not wait. Evey lacked the energy to deal with another problem on top of the one she was living with.
Making her way from the lift back to her room, Evey noticed V standing in front of the juke box absently turning pages as if the perfect song eluded him. She had seen him do it thousands times. He always sought refuge in music.
I love this man. God help me, I really do. Sucking in a breath meant to instill courage Evey approached him ready to try again.
This time he heard her and cocked his head toward the sound of her shoes on the flagstone floor. It was a scene they had repeated many times. Evey found herself remembering all the good times and smiling in spite of the grim circumstances surrounding them.
“Hi, V.”
“Good morning, Evey. I trust you slept well.” He said sounding as if he was reading a script and acting happy to see her.
“Oh yeah, like a rock,” Evey lied. If they were to have cinematic conversations she would oblige. It was better than the miserable lack of communication of the days preceding. “How about you?”
“I have never slept much.”
“And here I thought it was all my fault. How conceited of me.” Evey retorted wishing immediately she had kept her mouth shut.
He sighed. “I don’t want to argue today.”
“Good, I don’t either.”
“Did you ever imagine living with me would be this difficult, my dear?”
“V, no relationship is perfect.” Evey answered, hoping he understood. Living in his world of books he probably thought love always had happy endings.
V continued flipping pages. The finger jabbing the button was doing it with more force than necessary. “I don’t want you to look back on your time here and feel you’ve wasted it, Evey, as if you sacrificed so much and achieved so little.”
Stepping close to him only to have him shift away, Evey felt she had no choice but to push him. The only other choice was to give up which she was not yet willing to do. “Okay. Shall we investigate my sacrifices, V?”
“No.”
“I think we have to.”
He put both hands on the top of the juke box and stared at the page of CDs he had stopped on. “I wish you wouldn’t.”
“If wishes were horses…what do you think I’m giving up exactly?” She asked glaring at him, daring him to meet her eyes.
V slammed a fist on the box and swung toward her. For a moment she feared he would hit her and it must have reflected in her eyes because his posture melted and his head dropped again. He crossed his arms against his chest and leaned back against the juke box.
“Alright, if you insist, Evey.” He drew a deep breath and let it out slowly. “My life is here and occasionally in the shadows of the world above. I am comfortable here. I am comfortable in this skin. Your life is above. You are the face of the revolution and if you succeed, your life will be changed forever. For the sake of all involved you have to be protected.”
Evey cocked her head in question, “I know of no safer place than here with you.”
“I wish that were true.”
“It was an accident, V.”
He shook his head and she knew he did not agree. As she geared up to argue the point from a different angle, he asked, “Have you considered how safe you would be coming and going from here?”
Downshifting quickly Evey was happy for the redirection to a topic she was prepared for. “As a matter of fact, I have. The building above, it belongs to the Catesby Company. Wasn’t Catesby the ringleader in the Gunpowder plot? Who do you suppose owns Catesby, I wonder? Might it be you, V?”
“Do you recall what curiosity did to the cat, my dear?” His arms pulled in tighter against his chest.
Unsure if the gesture was self protective or angry, Evey had to explain. “Please don’t be offended. You aren’t the only one thinking about how tough organizing my life is going to be. I was thinking that since you own the building, I could take a flat in it, perhaps on the top floor where the Gallery lift comes out. The rent could include the exclusive use of the roof so you keep your garden terrace. What do you think?”
“I think your idea is very risky.” He said as his arms relaxed to his sides. She interpreted his reaction to mean he liked the idea, but could not support it without further thought.
Having planted a seed Evey returned to the real subject under debate. “Is it wrong to want to live here with you? Am I supposed to love you from a distance? How do you propose to make that work, V?”
“It cannot.” He said in an emotion glutted whisper. She instinctively moved toward him, but he backed away. “Evey, you must be realistic. I will never walk through a park with you, never eat at a restaurant with you. I will never escort you to parties…”
What is he talking about, she wondered as she interrupted, “You think I care about parties?”
“More than parties, Evey.”
He heaved a deep breath and Evey knew what he was about to say would hurt them both. “The ‘incident’ as you called it; that is me. I am the thing scratching about in the darkness of a blind rage. I am the pattern littering the floors here. I am the killer, the monster you feared. I am the man who tortured you and I am the man who remains steadfast in the belief it was the right thing to do no matter how much I regret having done it. I am the man who will deny you happiness, deny you family and friends, and deny you the intimacy of my flesh and of my past. And yet for all that you would stay?”
“Put like that no sane person would be so stupid.”
As the words left her mouth Evey wished she could take them back. He had referred to himself as a man. He was not talking about the superhuman idea, but himself as a person. It was a huge step.
She realized V was scared. He might even be terrified.
Perhaps it was easier to force her departure and thus control it than trust her to love him as he was. V did not love himself so he preferred being an idea. She was battling his self image, not a lack of love for her. It was not about her at all.
Finally understanding what she was facing Evey changed her approach. “I guess I’m certifiable because I see it differently.”
V looked at her and she had the distinct impression he had not wanted to.
She did not try to touch him. Instead Evey tried to let her words convey her meaning. It was risky since she knew she was not eloquent. “I am very aware of what you are. I don’t for one second believe I’ve seen the last of the violence or the…rubber room. However, in addition to all that we agree you are, I see more.”
This part she had to get absolutely right. “I don’t know what has made you as you are, but I see a man with deeply held principles who would fight to the bitter end to protect them. I see a man who has been betrayed. I see hurt. I see pain and I see a man self aware enough, sane enough, to understand the limits of his emotional strength and flexible enough to release what he cannot hold. I see a brilliant mind and a kind heart that would rather suffer through the remainder of life alone than risk hurting me. What I see, V, is the man I was destined to love and the one I cannot live without.”
“But…”
“Good God, V. That was probably the most eloquent I will ever be in my entire life and you have a but? But what? But what about weddings and white picket fences and bouncing babies?”
“Don’t you want those things?” For the first time she could remember his voice cracked.
She bit the inside of her lip, trying to decide how to handle his question.
“Could you explain to me why I would trade living in a place like this with a man like you for a tiny duplex in the suburbs filled with cheap MDF furniture where I spend all day alone with a bunch of screaming brats only to have a husband come home in the evenings, silently eat the food I cook, collapse in front of the telly and ignore me until bed when maybe he gives me a quick shag before dropping off to snore all night?”
As always, he had a comeback. “It cannot be as bad as all that. No one would do it if it were.”
“The point is, V, I want you and all that comes with you.” She replied wishing he could understand he had ruined her for an average life. Her journey to the end was going to be an extraordinary one because V had made it so.
He shook his head. “You don’t know…”
Convinced she knew what he was saying she leapt in, cutting him off. “You’re right. I don’t really know you. Who here can fix that I wonder.”
He held his hands out in a gesture she read as helplessness. “Evey…”
It was a perfect opportunity and Evey took it slipping under his reach and throwing her arms around him. She tried to ignore the length of time it took for his arms to come around her back or the way he wiggled away from her so only her face touched his chest. “The bottom line, V is this. I love you and I trust you not to hurt me. If that were enough we would be in good shape, but you can’t love me if you don’t also trust me, V.”
His arms squeezed her and Evey felt her knees go weak. To be tight in his arms held hard against his body was exactly where she wanted to be. His breath was warm on her ear as he said, “I do trust you.”
“Really? When is your birthday?”
He drew back and his grip weakened though he did not let go. “How is that relevant?”
“When is mine?” She asked looking up and searching for eyes she had never found.
“May 28th,” came the automatic reply.
“Is it fair you know mine but I don’t know yours?”
“When has life ever been fair?”
Losing her grip on her patience, Evey pushed out of his arms. “God, it’s like arguing with a brick wall! Are you really this determined to be unhappy? What could you possibly be hiding that is so important?”
“I don’t want to hurt you, Evey.” He growled.
“So you would rather rip my heart out than risk another toss across a room?”
“I would rather break your heart than put a blade through it!” He shouted. Immediately a hand flew to the mouth of the mask.
Evey was too stunned to move.
“I want to keep you safe.”
Incredulous, Evey asked, “You have to protect me from…you?”
“Yes,” he choked out as he turned his back and fled the room.
~~~~~
After tossing and turning all night, Evey had reached a decision. As the smells of breakfast began wafting through the Shadow Gallery, she began to pack.
When she stuffed a last pair of socks into an over full bag, V appeared in the doorway watching her.
“You’re leaving.” He stated in a voice devoid of emotion.
It was the moment she had been dreading. It was the right thing to do, but it hurt just the same. She was risking losing him, but if she didn’t take the risk he was lost already. Hating to say it aloud, but knowing she had to, Evey replied, “I think we both need a little air.”
He said nothing and when she looked up he was no longer in the doorway.
Evey had expected some sort of protest. Maybe the cruel voice in the back of her mind was right. Perhaps she had saved him the trouble of putting her out. Feeling confused and near tears she followed him.
The man standing in the kitchen making an omelet did not have an air of relief about him. Instead his body language screamed abandonment. Watching him stand there fighting for dignity, Evey almost changed her mind.
God, I love this man. Please make him feel it.
Evey debated wrapping her arms around him. To hug him was to show him affection her way. To hang back from him was to show him respect his way. She opted to go his way and sat at the kitchen table. He did not acknowledge her.
“V, I’m not leaving like you think I am. I’m coming back. If I ever want to get ahead of the phone calls I need to take care of some things topside. Until you decide about the building, I need a flat closer to here and I need to do a little shopping. It’s all stuff I put off so I could take care of you, but you’re fine now and I can’t wait anymore.”
Her heart lifted as she watched the tension in his shoulders ease. He glanced over his shoulder as he said, “It is not safe for you up there.”
This was more like the V she knew. “No one knows my face. I’ve gotten rather good at all this cloak and dagger stuff you know. I’ve had an excellent teacher.”
He placed the omelet down before her. Evey did not bother to ask him to eat with her. She knew he would tell her he had already eaten.
He sat at the opposite end of the table and watched her with an intensity which made eating difficult. Silence ruled between them as she ate.
When the last bite went into her mouth V finally said, “I will not stop you.”
“I know. It’s one of the many reasons I love you, V.” She said with her mouth full. His head tilted and she knew he was silently reprimanding her for her lack of manners. Thinking about areas where his manners were less than perfect she asked, “What are the odds you’ll follow me?”
He shook his head. “I will not.”
Surprised she asked, “You trust me to walk the streets alone?”
“I will have to wont I?” He leaned back in his chair and folded his hands in his lap as if there were nothing strange about his newfound trust in her abilities.
Evey thought about it for a moment and then the light dawned. “And of course Finch probably won’t let me out of his sight anyway.”
She could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “A fact I have considered.”
“Will you also consider what I said?” Evey asked as she moved behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder. The jolt under her touch was brief and his gloved hand almost immediately covered hers. It was a good sign.
His head inclined ever so slightly toward her hand as he said, "No man knows till the time comes, what depths are within him. To some men it never comes; let them rest and be thankful! To me, you brought it; on me, you forced it; and the bottom of this raging sea has been heaved up ever since." [15]
She squeezed and then pulled her hand away.
V rose from his seat and offered her a hand. When she took it he timidly pulled her against him. It was progress and she was tempted for a moment to simply stay there, but instead pulled away and went to gather her bags. At the door to the tunnels Evey turned and looked at him still standing where she left him staring at the flagstone floors as if they held the secrets of the universe. Feeling bad for leaving but knowing she was doing the right things Evey said, “I’ll see you Wednesday night no later than seven o’clock.”
You’re forgetting something, she thought as she opened the door. She stopped.
“V?”
He looked forlorn and beautiful standing beside his piano. “Yes, Evey?”
“I love you.” She said, wanting nothing more than to drop her bags and run back into his arms. Instead without waiting for a reply she pulled the door closed behind her and set off for the surface.
~~~~~
[15] Charles Dickens – Our Mutual Friend
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